/15/2013

Well,I knew this was going to happen. Who I have turned into because of it?I don't know....I caught feelings and it was awful. He definitively does not like me,he never did. I have cried over him and thought bad stuff about him and did a horrible thing. We slept together again and he went completely flat on me...Do you know how that made me feel? Like something was wrong with me,like I couldn't be desired as a woman. It made me feel like straight up shit.... Then a guy comes along,someone I barely know and he is nice and I feel nothing for this guy. We sleep together and ya know what? I learned alot from him. He KISSED me,TOUCHED me. He made me feel wanted,like I was something sexy. I NEEDED that. I wanted that. Even if the story behind him wasn't the best one and I will never sleep with him again,he made me realize I deserve BETTER then what I have been settling for. That ONE night of passion,that one night I was wanted for all that I was,even if it was fleeting,Is what I deserve. I deserve someone to touch me like that EVERY night. I deserve better then J. I am worth so much more. So I AM getting over him. I will not be a fool. I will not get my heart broken by someone who doesn't deserve my heart to begin with.

8/4/13

I guess I saw this coming. With all the people I have met,since Midge,the person I choose...it had to be complicated didn't it? I don't know if he even likes me,it seems like he does sometimes and sometimes its just...nothing. I always thought I was a good girl,a good person..I would have a good boyfriend who would make me feel like I was loved for all of who I was. I never would have expected me to be this person. I am no longer in school,it kills me. I feel like I am a failure,I didn't even complete the ONE thing I promised myself I would do. I work,but I hate my job. My boss makes me cry,and everyone want to put blame on everyone else. I like a boy.He is kind and awful in the most amazing ways. Everyone is always saying he is such a great person and he is but...I don't know. We slept together,he didn't remember. We went on a date,he rejected me.I kissed him and he asked me why I did that. All I wanted was for him to hold my hand,but he said no. He talked to me,and I felt that,even though he was telling me why he couldn't like me,I was getting a bit closer.I don't even know why I like him. He makes me feel strange,My heart hurt when he rejected me,Id think about him at random times of the day. I liked him from the first time I saw him. I cried when he said he couldn't remember what had happened that night. He had made me feel so wanted and happy and the turned around and made that into nothing...I just cant stop liking him. I want to,I know this is going to end badly for me,I feel like I am going to get hurt,but I just can't stop myself for hoping for that chance. I wonder everyday if I am good enough for someone. I want to prove to myself I am,I want to feel what I feel now,all day everyday,that awful wonderful feeling... I want it,and I want it to be just mine. I will wait,I spent all this time looking for someone to make me feel that way again,so I can wait. For my hearts sake I hope it goes my way. :)