10/19/13

There are a lot of things in my life I don't want to think about,alot of problems and past scars I don't want to revisit. People can only have so many bad things happen to them before they start to to think God is doing it on purpose.Which causes you to wonder what the hell you did to get this sort of Karma.My life as it is right now isnt horriable. I have a place to live and a friend that loves me,that should be enough right? I just feel sort of...insignificant. 2 years ago I never would have thought Id be this person. I thought I would do something with my life. Graduate,go to college,make friends and maybe even meet someone. That isnt how my story went. I am who I am now because of my failures. I can blame my mother all I like but in the end it was the cards I was delt. I hate the look people give me when I say I am getting my GED,they look at me like I am a disapointment,a waste. Like I am a fuck up and there is no way to correct it. I hate it. It makes me feel like nothing. I feel like nothing. I wake up every day knowing this is not MY life. This is HER LIFE. I am just a tag along and its awful. I want to BE something,but I feel like it will never happen. Its hard to be positive with so much of the things I want around me,but they are not mine. I feel like a fake. I dont belong here,but I want to. I dont want to be a failure.

9/4/13

I had a bad day today . I love my mom,I really do but sometimes I just want to get away,I have been here for maybe half a day and I already want to go home. It makes me feel like im a bad person,but my mom is just so negative and it affects me. She starts to tell me all her problems and in turn I start to think of my own. I am not good with dealing with problems,I run from them because I don't WANT to feel sad. I cant handle when I'm sad,it gets blown out so far and I feel like the world will end. I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am now. I still struggle to be happy everyday. Its harder then they know. I just....I honestly only want to talk to one person,a SINGLE person. The moment I started to feel down,he was who I wanted to talk to. He ignored me,I just...I wish he cared. Why do I care so much for someone who makes me question how valuable I am as a person? Why cant I be enough?

/15/2013

Well,I knew this was going to happen. Who I have turned into because of it?I don't know....I caught feelings and it was awful. He definitively does not like me,he never did. I have cried over him and thought bad stuff about him and did a horrible thing. We slept together again and he went completely flat on me...Do you know how that made me feel? Like something was wrong with me,like I couldn't be desired as a woman. It made me feel like straight up shit.... Then a guy comes along,someone I barely know and he is nice and I feel nothing for this guy. We sleep together and ya know what? I learned alot from him. He KISSED me,TOUCHED me. He made me feel wanted,like I was something sexy. I NEEDED that. I wanted that. Even if the story behind him wasn't the best one and I will never sleep with him again,he made me realize I deserve BETTER then what I have been settling for. That ONE night of passion,that one night I was wanted for all that I was,even if it was fleeting,Is what I deserve. I deserve someone to touch me like that EVERY night. I deserve better then J. I am worth so much more. So I AM getting over him. I will not be a fool. I will not get my heart broken by someone who doesn't deserve my heart to begin with.

8/4/13

I guess I saw this coming. With all the people I have met,since Midge,the person I choose...it had to be complicated didn't it? I don't know if he even likes me,it seems like he does sometimes and sometimes its just...nothing. I always thought I was a good girl,a good person..I would have a good boyfriend who would make me feel like I was loved for all of who I was. I never would have expected me to be this person. I am no longer in school,it kills me. I feel like I am a failure,I didn't even complete the ONE thing I promised myself I would do. I work,but I hate my job. My boss makes me cry,and everyone want to put blame on everyone else. I like a boy.He is kind and awful in the most amazing ways. Everyone is always saying he is such a great person and he is but...I don't know. We slept together,he didn't remember. We went on a date,he rejected me.I kissed him and he asked me why I did that. All I wanted was for him to hold my hand,but he said no. He talked to me,and I felt that,even though he was telling me why he couldn't like me,I was getting a bit closer.I don't even know why I like him. He makes me feel strange,My heart hurt when he rejected me,Id think about him at random times of the day. I liked him from the first time I saw him. I cried when he said he couldn't remember what had happened that night. He had made me feel so wanted and happy and the turned around and made that into nothing...I just cant stop liking him. I want to,I know this is going to end badly for me,I feel like I am going to get hurt,but I just can't stop myself for hoping for that chance. I wonder everyday if I am good enough for someone. I want to prove to myself I am,I want to feel what I feel now,all day everyday,that awful wonderful feeling... I want it,and I want it to be just mine. I will wait,I spent all this time looking for someone to make me feel that way again,so I can wait. For my hearts sake I hope it goes my way. :)